Early Onset Dementia

A few months ago I was joking around about having Alzheimer's after I left my phone at home two days in a row and had to sit at work wondering if I was going to get a slew of texts that I would then have to spend a half hour sheepishly responding to with apologies for accidentally ignoring my friends.

Well, now I'm positive that I have early onset dementia. It could be caused by millions of things: pollutants in the air, my alcohol consumption level (which has tapered off in my old age), staring at a computer screen until my eyes go blurry most days. Any of those things and more. Whatever is causing it, I know I have it and it's not just a figment of my hypochondria.

Here's how I know.

Yesterday, I made some pasta for Dan and myself. It was delicious. The red sauce was just a little sweet and a little garlicy, and I steamed some broccoli to add to it. After we ate, we had to get ready to go to our friends' holiday party so I took some tupperware out of the cabinet and put the pasta away thinking we would eat it later that night when we came home a tad tripsy.

This morning I got up and fried some potato sausage. If you've never had it, it's beef and pork sausage stuffed with potato and it's AMAZING. So anyway, I had completely forgotten about the pasta until I went to get another tupperware container out of the cabinet. That's when I saw my mistake. I didn't put the pasta away in the fridge like a normal person. I put it back in the cabinet.

I'm thinking of buying a label maker and labeling things with phrases like, "Forks go here," "Wipe with toilet paper," "Shower daily," you know...the things that everyone can forget now and again. I'm hoping this labeling system will prevent me from doing anything disabled like that again.

Secret Santa FAIL

My day started at 5am when I got a text from my best friend and all it said was "water broke" so I've been on edge all day waiting to hear what happened. I know I'm not the most important person in this process, but way to leave me hanging! Last I heard, the hospital had sent her home and she wasn't even close to going into labor. I'm sure my anticipation is nothing compared to hers, but all I can think is HURRY UP and get here baby!

After that text, I went back to bed and slept in until around 10. Got up, wrote a little bit...real writing, not blogging. Cleaned up the kitchen (mainly just the dishes from yesterday) and then I was sort of in limbo. Nothing was on TV. I didn't want to go to the gym...you know cause the one time I went last week was totally sufficient. So, I decided to slough off to FedEx and mail my Secret Santa her present, COMPLETE with an apology for being a secret Santa failure and not getting her the Barbie that she asked for. My note said something like, "Merry Christmas Leonela! We ran out of My Scene Barbies at the North Pole so I got you my favorite one instead! Hope the scarf and hat match your coat, um, I mean keep you warm and toasty."

After writing that little note, I realized this was supposed to be from Santa, and that Santa is probably not a Barbie lover, so I signed the card from Santa's helper.

For the record, I tried to get the My Scene Barbie. Target was fresh out, so I had to settle for Candy Glam. I hope she's not a social outcast in her circle of friends because I got her the wrong Barbie. Or worse...What if this sweet little girl stops believing in Santa at the tender age of 5 because of me?! Maybe the fact that this ultra-hip Barbie with a green streak in her hair comes with a lipgloss will make up for my folly. It's probably a stretch, but since Dan and his friends affectionately(?) call me Leon, I feel a certain bond with little Leonela and I don't want her to get screwed over.

The only inconvenient thing about this process was that I had to mail the present to her school which is only about 6 miles from my apartment. I could have hand delivered it, but you're only allowed to deliver presents during "normal school hours" and I work during those. To FedEx a 2 pound package 6 miles, and make sure it gets there by Wednesday, I had to pay $16!! Bastards. I have a small amount of hatred in my heart for FedEx right now and a pimple forming on my cheek that I'm pretty sure is caused by the anxiety from thinking that instead of helping like I intended, I may have ruined my namesake's Christmas.

P.S. Check out Candy Glam Teresa below. If I liked Barbies when I was 5, all those accessories would have provided for endless storyline opportunities! Don't you think?

Naughty Nurse

I had a brilliant idea today to have a little fun with Dan. I'm going to the Yelp Holiday Party tonight and Dan may or may not be playing drinking games only 3.5 miles away from where I'll be. I told him that some of us are going to a bar after the party and that he should meet us when he's done. Easy right?

Here's the brilliant part. I said, "You could meet me. And then act like you don't know me. And then pick me up. And then we could go home together...in a CAB."

He laughed (it would have been in my FACE if we weren't chatting online), and said, "Your idea of role playing is pretty funny."

Ouch.

Me: Why is that?
Dan: Well...usually people dress up as bikers or something exotic. You just want us to be us, meet in a bar, and go home together.

When he put it that way, it didn't sound as fun.

I would live here

As long as the crappy elevator music in the background was on mute.


This Is Where We Live from 4th Estate on Vimeo.

It's a video celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Book Publishing Company 4th Estate. Found on the Etsy blog.

Home alone 5

One by one, everyone in my office started to trickle out and I was like, that's weird, they must all have meetings or calls to get on. I checked my calendar to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and my calendar was clear for the day...like it has been most days this month.

It wasn't until about 45 minutes later, when I started to hear myself breathing, that I realized I was the ONLY ONE in our section of the office. It was truly a Twilight Zone moment, and I freaked out thinking I was missing something important, or everyone was having a super fun rendezvous without me!

I texted my boss and said, "Why is no one in the office? Am I missing something?" He didn't text me back... Instead, a coworker came upstairs and said, "Leaaah, we just realized that so and so forgot to invite you to the meeting!"

At least it was a meeting about web something or other and not a vacation.

Although, if they had free lunch, and there's none left, I'm going to be pissed.

Oh geeze

I never thought that blogging about my cellulite would lead to my boyfriend getting a bad rap! Guess I have to set everyone straight. Dan doesn't think I'm fat. Dan thinks I'm CRAZY, but not fat. I think I'm fat. And actually, I don't even think I'm fat, just in need of some toning, and really, do you know that many people who aren't? So, here's the plan for today.

Breakfast: Nothing (I was late for a meeting and didn't have time to get something)
Lunch: Probably a salad. I'm going to need calories for when I work out tonight so I'm definitely getting ranch dressing on this sucka.
Dinner: Don't know yet
Exercise: Tonight is my first night at the gym with my gym buddy Evan. He gashed his head open this weekend in an accident that involved some icy stairs and a desk corner. That sucks, but it probably means I'll be able to run way farther than him...and if I can't, well then that's just depressing!

Moving on

Tiffany (coworker) and I accomplished something big on Friday. I mean BIG. Nay-sayers said it couldn't be done, but we did it. After being blocked from editing, having our page deleted twice, and then getting a death threat, the company that employs me now has a Wikipedia Page!! I'm not exaggerating about the death threat. The second time our page was deleted, before we even had the chance to try to post it, it was replaced with one sentence.

We will kill you.

Um...that's a little dramatic, don't you think Wikipedia? Anyway, in order to get our page up, we could only put up about 4 sentences total. Here's our page if you care.

Also, I have a new addiction. Karaoke. See picture below.


And...last but not least. I won major girlfriend points this weekend. At the Renegade Craft Fair I found a mouse pad shaped like a record. The song on the record? NIGHT MAN. Dan loved it. 'Nuff said.

Day 4 of I effing hate dieting

Actually, it's not so bad, because what I'm doing isn't really considered dieting, at least not by hardcore dieters standards. Also, I read somewhere that you can actually eat whatever you want as long as it's in small portions, so I'm just going to do that and hope for the best. All my limbs are crossed on this one.

Breakfast: 1/2 of a 2 egg omelet with mushrooms, spinach and tomatoes. 1 piece of wheat bread. 1 small fresh fruit cup.
Lunch: An apple juice and a south beach diet "meal bar." Side note: Meal bars are not even close to being filling. Luckily I wasn't hungry because I had eaten such a huge breakfast.
Dinner: 4 pierogies and a cup of applesause
Snacks: 1/2 of a homemade mini whoopie. Ok...this was a slip up, but have you ever had a whoopie made by an Amish person? It has the make up of an oatmeal cream pie, but it's a little bigger than a silver dollar. Instead of oatmeal cake, it's made out of pumpkin cake and the cream inside is made from milk from their own cows. It doesn't get much better than an Amish whoopie. If you eat one, Little Debbie will never compare. So anyways, I ate HALF of one, mainly because I just started taking vitamins and I can't swallow large pills, unless they're wrapped in something delicious (like a whoopie!)
Exercise: NONE

I could write a whole other post about how much vitamins suck but I won't. I get that they're big because there's so many good nutrients packed into them, but do the natural ones have to smell like a horses mane? Seriously.

Slow coming

Day three of "Don't have fat rolls hanging out of your New Year's dress." I didn't do a very good job of eating healthy today. It wasn't completely my fault though because when I walked in the door of my office I was assaulted by a Christmas breakfast party complete with carolers, egg nog, hot chocolate, donuts, coffee cake, muffins, pancakes, canadian bacon and oatmeal. HOLY CRAP! I wanted to drop my bags and run around the room with my arms open airplane style, grabbing something off of each table, eating as I went. Instead, I walked past all of it very calmly, without acting like my insides were giggling, put my bags down at my desk, corralled two other girls to go with me, and took the elevator down 3 flights to stand in line for 45 minutes, forrrrrrrrr:

Breakfast: One cold pancake with blueberries on it, a bowl of overcooked oatmeal (S. Vincent told me oatmeal was ok!) and three slices of canadian bacon. I also grabbed a muffin because they looked good, but I didn't actually eat it.
Lunch: Pasta salad with parmesan cheese, vinegar and oil dressing, tomatoes and black olives, a side of steamed veggies (I only ate the zucchini and the carrots, the yellow squash tasted like nail polish remover).
Dinner: Who gives a crap?

Last night I worked out for a total of 7 minutes--5 minutes on the stair climber and then it took me about 2 minutes or so to do 50 situps (that includes my "what the hell was I thinking?" break at around 20). I wanted to die. And I think I might have left a part of my soul at that badly lit, dirty Chicago Park District gym that is definitely built for teenage boys, a.k.a. not me.

Day 2 of Operation Don't Be a Fat Ass

Is falling outside on the totally invisible ice a good excuse not to go work out tonight? It's a good thing I was wearing my North Face sleeping bag so the only thing that actually even hit the pavement was my knee, which is throbbing by the way.

Anyway, here's what's happening on day 2 of
I'm Not Being a Fattie on New Years:
Breakfast: String cheese (Is this healthy? I didn't look at the package, and I'm semi-lactose intolerant, so probably not. I just can't resist eating it string by fragile string. The people who take big chomps out of string cheese infuriate me.)
Lunch: 1 or 2 hard boiled eggs with salt and pepper on them and some fresh fruit. (Boooooring)
Dinner: Wheat pasta with veggies and shrimp. I'm actually semi-excited about this meal. I already put the Shrimp in the fridge to thaw last night.

On to other subjects: I need to do laundry. I'm at the point where I have no clean socks. I also need an iPhone. My roommate got one and it rules. You know the commercial where you can sing into the phone and it will tell you what song it is? It works! Even if you're off tune...which most of my household is.
And last but not least: I'm reading possibly one of the best books I've ever read. It's called "A supposedly fun thing I'll never do again," by David Foster Wallace. It's not new, but it's new to me. I just finished an essay about the Illinois State Fair, and his week long experience there, that renewed my writing cause.

I'm having a crisis

Ok, I realize this post may come across as ridiculous because I'm considered petite, at least compared to obese America over here. But, on my 5'3 3/4'' frame, the weight that I do have on me, just sits. And NONE of it's muscle. It hasn't been since I quit dancing at 18. IF this newly gained weight would spread out evenly, mainly to my non-existent chest, there would be no need for this blog post, or my anxiety.

My roommate gains weight, she gets love handles but she also gets boobs. My roommate loses weight, she loses her extra belly fat and keeps her boobs...HOW is that fair?

I gain weight, I get a gut, a double chin, and a fat factory on my ass. I lose weight, I keep the chin, half of the fat factory and lose any chest plumpage that may have occurred.

I knew that once I weighed enough to give blood for the first time in my life, something would have to change. Well, that day has come.

So here's my plan. It's called "I'm not going to be a fat ass for New Years or in the New Year," and it goes like this.

I eat smaller portions, and I work my ass off at the gym that I'm joining tomorrow. (Tomorrow? Doesn't sound very gung-ho right? It's because I need moral support and my gym partner can't go with me tonight.) I've learned from past work out frenzies, that it takes me exactly three weeks to get a flat tummy and be back to a size 2. I've also learned that if I don't keep it up, I start to look like a pear. The fruit look is not a good one for me.

So here's what I did on day 1 of Operation don't be a fat ass:
Exercise: NONE
Breakfast: Banana chips (like 7 of them) and a handful of almonds
Lunch: Tuna salad (enough mayo to make the tuna not taste like aluminum, but not enough to make it taste good) and steamed broccoli
Dinner: Don't know yet, but I'll figure out something healthy that probably also tastes like cardboard.

That's my biggest problem with health(y) food. I wouldn't mind eating it at all if it tasted good. If it's really good for you, it tastes like styrofoam. If it says it's healthy, but it tastes good, it's almost never actually good for you. If someone would just invent a 0 calorie cheeseburger, I'd be set.