It's only day 2 of 2010 and I've already learned one huge thing about myself. When I say huge, I mean HUGE.
I would be absolutely useless in a mugging.
Last night, Dan and I were on our way home from seeing a late showing of Invictus, which was pretty good if you have any interest in Nelson Mandela, South African politics or a beefy, blonde Matt Damon. We were looking for a parking spot and someone had just taken the spot we wanted. I said something bratty like, "He probably doesn't even live here," without actually looking at the guy, because I didn't want to walk a long way in the cold.
We parked the car, started walking to the apartment, and the guy I just got done complaining about jumped out from behind a car and yelled, "Give me your money!"
What did I do in this situation? I screamed. Like a girl. Correction: I screamed like a girl who's been tied to the train tracks, with the light of a steel monster blinding her from off in the distance, its horn blaring her impending doom. Or, like a girl who got her period in a shark tank. Either way, I screamed. For about 10 full seconds. I was so scared that I forgot I had mace in my pocket, and a rape whistle in my purse. I even forgot all of those dreams in which I'm mugged and I somehow get away by karate chopping the guy in the throat, kicking him in the balls, or keying him in the face with my mailbox key. I forgot ALL of that in the shock of being mugged.
Then, I heard Dan start laughing and I looked at the guy who was "mugging" us. The mugger was actually my cousin Alex, who lives half a block from us.
After I calmed down, I got mad and said, "What if I maced you!! What if Dan pulled out his pocketknife and tried to stab you or punched you in the face?!"
Alex replied, "I thought about Dan maybe beating the shit out of me, but I risked it knowing how funny this would be."
After last night, I am now adding a new resolution to my list:
Be more aware of my surroundings, so that if I actually ever do get mugged, I don't just stand there and scream. I go for the balls.
15 comments:
NOT funny, I would have been scared shitless!
Don't mean to laugh at what was probably a traumatizing 10 seconds, but this is hilarious!
It was so traumatizing, but I learned a much needed lesson! And, next time I see my cousin, I'm making him buy me a drink for scaring the crap out of me!
Sometimes I think I might have to start wearing mace around my neck, because I'm pretty sure I'd be in a similar state if this happened to me. And my purse is such a mess that I'd never find it if it were in there.
Oh my lord, I would have PUNCHED HIM IN THE JUGULAR. Then that *joke* wouldn't have been so goddamn funny, WOULD IT.
This is an excellent lesson to learn. Bravo to you.
following your pretty ass now!
Love this post! So true- many of us would just scream. I think it's good you had this experience so that if a real mugging happens, you can better anticipate and react.
Hey, you only screamed. I can tell you now I would have peed my pants!
Wow! that's so scary. But I totally would have done the same thing. I don't even have a rape whistle or mace and I live in NYC! Yeah, not really all that prepared. I should work that maybe...
Holy cow! i don't mean to laugh but I would have done the same thing, screaming like a girl. I would have been scared out of my mind too but scream would have been the first reaction. Your cousin should be slapped for doing that too.
Funny kind of - it was a bad move on his part there are some things that are not worth the risk of joking about. You were right by saying "what if I had ____".
You did the right thing.
Nice story too.
"like a girl who got her period in a shark tank"
That is hilarious. Well done. Although I'm glad you didn't do a photo illustration.
Sounds like what I'd do in a mugging. My voice can get pretty high when I scream.
Dude, I'd have been super pissed at your cousin if it were me! Glad you're OK!
OH MY GOSH!! Not funny at all!! I probably would've done the exact same thing - I'm horrible for thinking on my feet at the best of times!!
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