The small tribe of kids that broke me

I learned something this weekend about myself and my living situation. I am in no way ready for kids. And not only am I not ready for kids, my apartment is the least kid-friendly apartment in all of Chicago.

Case in point. I was hanging out with a friend and her fiance this weekend. I've been dying to meet her kids who are 7 and almost 4, because I always hear hilarious stories about them and they're just so damn cute! Well, when my friend's mom showed up with the kids, I got a huge surprise in the form of not just two, but FOUR kids. Double the trouble, double the fun...right? In my apartment, staring up at me, were my friend's son and daughter, her fiance's daughter, and her sister's daughter, ranging in age from 3 to 7. That's a lot of little kids in my city apartment that looked like we been boozing all weekend--um, because we were. There were bottles and discarded shoes everywhere. Not to mention the half drunk wine glasses littering the kitchen and living room.

As soon as they arrived, we decided to go get lunch. And after a semi-hellish trip to Wendy's complete with fighting over the microphone toys in the kids meals that magnified anything the kids said into it by 1000 decibels, we decided to go to the free pool across the street from my house and let the kids wear themselves out while we chatted. Oh how naive I am, thinking we could chat while four kids were running around splashing us, falling down and skinning their knees, fighting with each other, sitting directly on you because they were cold, and asking "why?" every two seconds. I know this sounds selfish and any mom reading this would be like, "Duh, what did you think would happen when you take FOUR kids to a public pool?" I had NO IDEA. I don't think I ever babysat more than three kids at a time, and no one ever let me take their kids to a pool by myself when I was 13. Probably a great decision on their part.

We go back to the house after the pool and we're all tired and I'm probably just ask cranky as the kids because my hangover headache has moved from the back of my head to directly over my left eye, and the littlest girl asks me for some "regular white milk." So I'm standing there trying to figure out how to tell a four year old that I only have lactose free milk, which tastes like skim milk, or I have soy milk, when all I really want to do is take two advil and lay down for a nap. So I say, "Well, milk hurts my tummy so I don't really have any regular white milk in the house." She didn't understand how that could be possible and replied with, "But my mom gives it to me all the time. It doesn't hurt MY tummy!" Well you just wait until you're 25 little girl. If it's not dairy, you'll probably develop an allergy to something else you love! And no, I didn't say that to her.

Then the other little girl asks me for water. YES! This, I have and in huge supply. What I didn't have was a plastic cup. They had all been dirtied the night before when we drank beergaritas. If you've never had them, you're missing out! They're delicious and super easy. Just beer--vodka--and pink lemonade. So I dig through the cupboards and behind all of the glasses and coffee mugs, I find a red plastic cup with a handle...the perfect kid size cup, except that it says Budweiser on it. I didn't even know we had that cup, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Oh, and then there was my almost panic attack. We came back from Wendy's with a cup of water that "milk girl" wanted when we were there. We're all sitting on the couch and kids are keeping busy with the two toys we have in the house, a transformer car and a little mermaid doll that Dan and I got as gag gifts two Christmases ago, and my friend shows her mom my print ad in People Magazine. It's my first one and I'm excited about it, so I bought the magazine to read, yes, but also as a keepsake since it's my FIRST AD IN A NATIONAL MAGAZINE! Anyway, her mom lays the magazine down on the table with it open to my ad, and "milk girl" puts her cup on it, like it's a coaster! OMGOMGOMG. That magazine isn't on the shelf anymore. I can't just buy another one! So I bolted across the living room and removed the sweating cup from my ad. And then died a little inside when I realized that yes there was water on it. But only a little. Hopefully it will dry and look normal.

Today didn't deter me from wanting kids, it only made we want to wait a little longer, and to maybe rethink wanting four of them. Maybe two is more my speed.

I'll still probably look at pictures posted by my high school friends or fellow bloggers of their adorable babies and think, "Awww. I want one!" But I did realize today that I'm not ready to give up Saturdays laying out at the park and sweating out the booze from the night before. Or Sunday brunches where hair of the dog not only applies, it's a Godsend. I do have one small request to my friends who are moms. Could you post a couple of pictures of your kids throwing a fit on Facebook? Cause it would really help me and a lot of other girls have a few less freak outs during "Say Yes to the Dress" marathons when we realize that we're not married, or anywhere near having kids even though it seems like everyone else in the universe IS!

Thanks, me and my fellow childless friends appreciate it.