We’ve been talking lately about marriage and babies, etc…one a little more than others of course. And talk got serious when we went to visit Dan’s friend and his cousin, both of whom just had babies with their wives, 10 weeks and 12 weeks ago respectively. *I honestly don’t even know what “respectively” means at the end of a sentence but it seems appropriate here.
So anyway, our talk: I casually (and soberly, can you believe it?) asked Dan if he had thought about marriage and babies, etc...and he replied, “Yeah. OF COURSE.” like I had just asked him if he was a guy and he liked meat. I actually felt my face turn red for asking such a no-brainer question, until I remembered that I’m not a mind reader and him thinking about it is NOT the same as us discussing it!
So then I got worried. Not because I don’t want to do all of those things with Dan. I’m only worried about one thing—THE RING. Dan and I have…how should I put it nicely? Different tastes. As in, he wears combat boots, and not the cute, I-look-like-a-chimney-sweep kind of boots. His are chunky doc martins. And if you see him wearing a shirt that he didn’t own in high school, I probably picked it out.
So when I mentioned that if he’s thought about it, he probably realizes that most women get to pick out their ring, or at least help, and he said, “Absolutely not,” I died just a little inside.
Because here’s the thing. Dan is very particular about EVERYTHING. If he’s making a big purchase, or even a little one, he’ll research it for days on end and read product reviews until he’s sure he’s found the perfect one. He’s not an impulse buyer. So I know whatever he gets, is going to be high quality and he’ll get it for a steal. But is it going to be something I’ll want to wear for the rest of my life? THAT is the question.
Maybe I’m being too much of a control freak, but if I have to look at it every day, and wear it for the next 70 years (and yes, I’m going to live until 96 because any older would just be too old), then I want the ring to be a timeless beauty that fits my style, and I want it to feel comfortable on my hand, and I want to love it.
And you can bet your bottom dollar that if I was picking out something that Dan would have to live with forever, he’d want to be right there giving his input. I mean, I bought him a really nice wallet for Christmas two years ago, and he refuses to use it, even though it would make me super happy, because it's a tri-fold, which apparently sticks out too far when you put it in your pocket. Who knew?! Instead, he’s using one that’s been on its last leg for the past 5 years. Does that sound like a guy who would let ME pick out HIS engagement ring if the tables were turned?
So that’s the dilemma. What do you guys think? If you’re engaged/married, did you get to help pick out your own ring or at least have some input? Am I a horrible person for not thinking, “Oh, I’ll love it just because it came from the heart?” I'm afraid I just won't have those feelings unless it came from my heart too. It's not like I had an ugly baby and I HAVE to love it. It's a piece of jewelry that's going to represent our union, so it should be a joint effort picking it out, riiiiiight? I've got about 12 more arguments for the pro Leah side, but none of them have worked on Dan.
Most of the women I’ve asked say that they helped pick it out or at least had some input. All the men (including Dan) say the proposal loses the element of surprise if you know it’s coming. But I disagree. I don’t want to know when or how he’s going to propose, I just don’t want to be blindsided by ugly bling.
I mean HAVE YOU SEEN Jessica Simpson's ring? I'm just trying to avoid a disaster like THIS ONE.
14 comments:
I didn't really have any input in my ring (here), but my husband did ask my opinion on a few things. Like your bf he's uber into planning, and researching, etc. But I have never disliked any of the jewelry he's gotten me in the past, so I didn't really have a reason to worry. Does he have a good relationship with anyone in your family, or you with his? Maybe you can drop hints that way?
My wife and I went out looking for rings together multiple times so I could get a feel for what she liked. In the end she had a lot more input than I had initially intended (as I too am a bit of a control freak). This worked out in the end as she absolutely loves the ring, and she is the one that has to wear it everyday!
Here's the thing, even if you know the ring's design, he still gets a chance at hitting a homerun when it comes to the proposal!
I picked a top three and let my husband choose which one he liked the best from that group. I thought he should have some input on it, otherwise it's not as much as a surprise!
You should put a picture of the ring you want on the fridge, under those glass coasters, inside kitchen cupboards, in Dan's glovebox, and behind the shelves of your medicine cabinet....or something subtle like that. ;)
I picked my own out. Chris' taste is very different from mine (sounds much like Dan's), & I was a little worried he would pick out something I didn't like. I'm not one for surprises anyway though so it worked for me.
I think you could point out some pictures in magazines of what you like and things you absolutely do NOT like, but beyond that, let him do his thing. I am divorced, but before my ex and I got engaged I picked out the specific ring I wanted, I took him to the store, put it on and said "this one, don't propose to me with anything else" and while I love that ring still to this day, it did take an element of the surprise away. Next time I get married I don't want anything to do with ring selection, I want to look at the ring and know he took time to choose if for me because he thought that ring was the best representation of our love. And if it's the ugliest thing on earth, I will love it. I side with Dan on this, let him pick the ring.
I actually asked my now wife for suggestions as to what she would like and what made sense. Then, with that in mind, I worked carefully with the jeweler on what to do and what it would look like.
So, yeah, it was more mine but I did it with input. As you say, it is something you're going to have to wear for all eternity. I did have a fantastic jeweler to work with -- low pressure -- and I think that's more important than anything else. It's a bit overwhelming.
I was a bit sneaky a few months ago (before the talk of an engagement was really on the table) and emailed the boyf a bunch of photos of rings I liked, along with a bunch I hated with a passion...
We do have different tastes and he hasn't done too well on the jewellry front before so I figured if I could at least steer him in the right direction it may be a help... He may be stubborn, but if you're very forthcoming about styles you hate, I highly doubt he's going to go that way...
My husband actually picked out my ring without my input. But he did talk to a close friend of mine in secret to check if his idea of what I'd love was a good choice. And it was.
I am the same way about researching things, so I get that. But I'm sure he'll consider things You like at the same time. when he shops for you does he normally go for what he likes or what he thinks you'll like?
I think I'd want to have some say. I don't wear jewelry often, so when I do I'm a tad picky. If it's going to be on my finger for all that long -- with me looking at it and fidgeting with it so much, yeah, I'd want some say. It's sort of like a tattoo, except that you *can* indeed remove this easier, but still has that same weight.
I did have some say, because C really wanted to make sure that I'd be wearing something that reflected my tastes and my personality. Did I know when or how C was going to propose? Not at all. I feel like if you've already talked about how you two see your future together, then it's really not a terrible idea to start talking about engagement rings *together*.
C wanted me to browse around for ideas, so I gave him a few links of things I liked. He took those pictures to the jeweler, and the jeweler came up with something incredibly beautiful. I'm sure C would have found something beautiful, but with my input it was even more so exciting.
HOWEVER. I do have two friends who recently married, and my girlfriend didn't help her now husband choose the ring. In fact, he actually called me up and asked for my suggestions. That could be a route that Dan could take. :)
Sorry for the novel! I apparently had a lot to say.
Give him a list of things he absolutely better NOT pick, that way you don't scream when you see it.
On a whim, Dan took me ring shopping nearly 3 years ago, and as you know, we just got engaged, ummm... 3 MONTHS ago. Thankfully, the style I loved back then was something I still love today, and he went with it and I love my ring. So, while I had some input as to what I wanted, I still had no clue when he was actually going to propose, or what my exact ring would really look like, so the surprise was definitely still there.
There's still a part of me that wishes I'd had a teeny bit more input, because I had said at one point "I don't want anything huge that sticks up a bunch"... so he got something nice and low-profile, and because of that it's going to require a custom (and therefore more expensive) wedding band. That's the kind of stuff we think about that guys don't, but seeing as I was the one that TOLD him I wanted it to sit low, it's my own fault :).
Bottom line, I think it's fair for you to have some input - even if it's just buying yourself a wedding magazine (or borrowing one of mine) and dog-earring pages with styles you like :).
Luckily for me, my girlfriend knows that I am, at best, functionally retarded when it comes to things like picking out rings. If I had my choice, I would buy a ring with some kind of candy attached. To avoid that, she sent me an email with links to about a dozen different rings and basically said "pick one."
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